who warms a heart with a touch of her fingers, or the breath of love spoken.

i want to be that girl who falls in love with you, knowing you’re the one right choice she’s made,

who fits you so perfectly, kisses are merely a daily exchange of souls.

i want to be that girl who waits until marriage for the union of souls, and bodies, and finds him who believes in it too.

a girl who forges her own path, no fear, but no arrogance either.

a girl who doesnt care if she doesnt fit in, but more importantly cares about her dignity.

a girl who loves wholeheartedly, and gives more than anyone she knows. a girl who’s independent, yet knows her place,

a girl who matters, to the people that matter.

i would like to be that girl, and i would like to know you, but unfortunately, we think that they both can’t come true.

-Riane Brittany Francisco, MY FRIEND.

My dear Riane,

I’ve always known you were different.

I’ve always known you to be the girl with the biggest dreams.

And yet, as I read your entry(the bloody looooong one. HAHA),

My heart swelled.

It was so heartfelt, it made me question what I wanted in life as well.

I can’t say I know how you feel.

Because I don’t.

But one thing’s for sure…

If you’re gonna dissolve “into this grumbling moody mess of an undergraduate”,

Then let’s dissolve together.

But let’s pick each other up after that as well.

If you ever feel like you’re about to give up,

Then let our hopes falter together.

But let’s pick each other up after that.

2 more years….

Let’s suck it up. TOGETHER.

But I can already see it.

___ years to come….

Spring break. Me visiting you.

In Hawaii.

But let me warn you first,

If you ever force me to wear a flower necklace or  a grass skirt,

I will slap you until you’re unconscious.

Our mission is to discover places in Singapore that are worth visiting and to snap pictures of them. Our first trip was FUNNNNN!!!!

We’ve always wanted to visit Matilda House, one of the oldest buildings in Singapore. The house was originally built in 1902 for Mr Joseph Cashin and it still stands today amidst swamps and tall grasses.

We knew we had lots of planning to do because we aren’t exactly sure of the location.. But we didn’t expect the conditions of the place to be soooo…inaccessible!

Getting there was hard…

But to get out was worst! We still got wet in the end. Hahah.

When we got back, we were looking through our photos and the one above kinda freak us out a little. Because it looks like there’s a pair of legs dangling from the roof. *shudders*

Next, we plan to leave a tape recorder there overnight and collect it the next day. I dubbed this Mission Confirm-Balek-Takot-Nak-Dengar. Or Mission Confirm-Get-Back-Scared-To-Hear. I already have 4 brave members!

After Matilda House, we went back to my house because I had tuition (pffft.) and for late lunch and then we set off to Punggol Jetty as our next destination. And boy, was the trip to complete ulu-ness worth it! It was beautiful! Although I wished it wasn’t as cloudy so the sunset would have been nicer.

But it was still breath-taking even after the sun had set.

The next day we had Taman Warisan Food Festival where I had to don the heaviest clothes and even heavier headgear! I swear I got a headache at the end of the day. Azy got to wear this beautiful kebaya and an apt tiara to boot! It’s the perfect datin look for her. Haha.

I told you the headgear was HUGE! Even though I hate putting on heavy make-up where you can literally feel your pores being blocked, I have to say, GOOD JOB AZY! You can be certified mak andam already! I have faith in you.

Before we know it, we met again for some kite-flying fun and SLEEPOVER! The last time Azy punched Nad’s face while we were sleeping. This time round, I accidentally kicked Nad’s butt. Haha. SORRY!  

Go to the open field opposite Masjid Ghufran in Tampines around sunset. IT IS BEAUTIFUL! And you can see other people flying kites as well. I think they are professionals and I felt so ashamed running around with the kite thinking that it’s up in the air but when I turned around, I was actually dragging it on the ground. -.-

I must say we were quite saddened by our lack of ability to properly fly a kite but we were quick to pick ourselves up and partake in other happy activities. Because we’re girls and we’re easily distracted.

 ”Let’s do Power Rangers pose!”

“Let’s try again… Nad, don’t spoil it eh!”

Yea, Nad doesn’t take directions too well.

Soon, it was National Day Preview and it was damn FUN! The setting was magnificient. And the sky..splendid!

Thanks Azy for inviting me! I had so much fun!

Wearing red for patriotism? CHECK.

Ugly neon goodie bags? CHECK.

The only thing that was missing is Nad.

 I LOVE THE HALAL TRINITY and may we partake in more adventures to come!

When I’m with you guys or my other close friends and family, I really feel like I do not need anyone else in this world.

And I don’t.

You made me happy.

Even just for a while.

So I thought about it.

And it finally hit me.

I haven’t done anything wrong.

And I can’t believe you had me doubting myself.

It’s not fair what you’re doing to me.

It’s almost cruel.

A couple of weeks ago, when we (my mum, the maid and myself) accompanied my grandmother to the clinic, something truly embarassing happened. When it was time for us to enter the doctor’s room, the maid actually took off her shoes and left it outside the door! None of us realised until the doctor asked “Ermmmm….why is she barefooted?”

Even my sickly grandmother managed the strength to shake her head. Hahah.

A couple of months ago, my brother fell ill and we visited the same doctor. In fact, he had been sick a couple of times just prior to that visit. Which got both my mum and the doctor worried. My mum was quite determined that it was due to his lack of exercise and tried to tell the doctor this. Except that she pronounces “lack” as “lake”.  You know lah… mums.

“I think he’s ’lake’ of exercise, doctor.”

“I’m sorry?”

“He’s ‘lake’ of exercise.”

*Inserts muka macam paham habes* “Ohhhh… Which leg?”

3 weeks later, my mum visited him again because of some swelling of the eyes. And you know why? Because she has been watching too many sad movies and reading too many depressing novels at night and cries herself to sleep. Even re-reading this sentence makes me feel depressed already.

“Doctor, my eyes keep swelling and I can’t get the inflammation to go down.”

“How long has the swelling been?”

“About one week. It’s because I keep reading sad novels and then I can’t stop crying.”

Right here, I would like to take the opportunity to applaud her honesty. It’s well-deserving, don’t you think?

“Ohhh I see… I’ll just give you some eye drops then.”

“But doctor, how should I prevent this from happening again?”

“Errrrr…..why don’t you try reading happier novels?”  

HAHAH.

While we’re on this subject, I would like to congratulate my twin cousins…

On the opening of their new clinic. I’m so proud of them! And they truly deserve every single success that they acquire. They earned it. Through sheer sweat, effort and determination.

Many years ago, I remembered them showing me their room. I was so taken aback by the models of human brains, dissected body parts and skeletons. But it was nothing compared to the shock that registered upon seeing hundreds of thick medical books lying around. ALL OVER. This was when they were still medical students in NUS. Which made me realise one thing: Never put 2 doctors in one room.

But it was sweet of them to entertain me when they were obviously so busy. Because they knew I’ve always wanted to be a doctor.

“Nas, are you ready for your room to be this messy? Are you ready for 6 gruelling years of brain saturation?”

Hahah. And then they will inspire me with their success stories and their overseas adventures when they were providing humanitarian aid to victims of natural disasters. Even though my dreams of becoming a doctor has been dashed until cannot be dashed anymore, I will never forget their good offices.

That said, I’m really considering making them our family doctor instead. Because a) we’ll be supporting them and b) I wouldn’t want to go back to our current one. Don’t make me, please!

And to a certain special friend of mine,

CONGRATULATIONS!

You’ve always wanted to get into NUS medicine.

And now your dreams are manifesting right in front of you.

I know how hard you worked for this.

And the Lord always reward those who work hard.

I’m so very happy for you.

And I’m happy I was a small part of this journey of yours.

See you around in school come August, Hashir!

Live my dream for me.

I can’t really find an apt description to what it is.

Let’s just say it’s “thrilling to the heart”.

And I’m pretty sure you have something to do with it.

Even though I’m not sure where this journey will lead me,

Left, Right, Straight or nowhere at all…

This very uncertainty.

This very unconventionality.

Is nothing like I’ve ever experienced before.

You hit.

You spit.

You split.

Every bit of me.

You stole.

You broke.

You’re cold.

You’re such a  joke to me.

For every last bruise you gave me.

For every time I sat in tears.

For the million ways you hurt me.

I just want to tell you this.

You broke my world.

Made me strong.

THANK YOU.

Messed up my dreams.

Made me strong.

THANK YOU.

You taught me some lessons.

Those are my blessings.

That won’t happen again.

If you did this to me a year ago,

I would have crumbled and wilted into the shadows.

But resilience does wonders.

And I will pick myself up.

YOU made me strong, remember?

So thank you.

I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,
Whether they be to others or to myself

I own my fantasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own all my triumphs and
Successes, all my failures and mistakes.

2 and a half months ago, a semi-wise person told me “Can u for once stop to think about what YOU want w/o tinking abt how its gg to affect others? I noe you always say if your friends and family r happy then youre happy but are you REALLY? You noe and I noe that’s not enough. Dun let us stand in your way. WE WOULDNT WANT THAT.”

And to that I replied “I’m always afraid that if I list down and voice out my wants, that it will be so unattainable that I’ll never be happy. So for now I guess it’s enough that I tumpang my happiness with the people that are near and dear to me. But rest assured, I will think about it. Because maybe it’s time.”

I’m happy to say that the time has come. Took me 2 and a half months to pluck up enough courage but I’m there now.

I want to empower myself and others so that we’ll always have the courage to stand up for ourselves.

I want to be able to suspend my judgements and render help to anyone who seeks it.

I want to be able to go to bed in peace, knowing that I have helped.  

I want to be as close to the Lord as I can with every single beat that my heart makes.

Not only in times of despair, but in times of joy and merriment too.

I want my family and friends to be happy and contented. No matter where they are or what they choose to do.

I want to be able to see my Dad everytime he comes home. So that I can share with him the silly things my Mum did that day.

Just to see the creases near his eyes when he smiles.

I want  to study hard and start working soon after my degree so that when I tell my Dad to stop working,

He can do so without much equivocation.

So that one day, when I come home from work, he will be the one telling me stories about Mum instead.  

But all these aspirations and dreams would mean so much more if you can share it with that special someone.

Even though my heart keeps telling me that it’s you, life has it’s own plans sometimes.

And what you want may be far from what you will get.

But that does not mean that I will stop hoping.

For on one hand I see life as it is, but I also see life as how it should be.

Hope is faith holding out its hands to you in the dark. Take it.

And that is why I was eager to facilitate this camp. This was a camp especially for youths who are first time law offenders. And I knew it was going to be challenging. But I wasn’t expecting it to be THIS challenging.

These aren’t your ordinary youths. They’re exceptionally rude and they enjoy taunting and challenging you. Most of them anyway. I had such a hard time that I had to fight back tears throughout the camp. Physically drained I would have expected but these youths have a gift of sucking out your energy. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

Every single “Ok everyone let’s gather here!” will be followed by a “Why? Why must we gather? I just want to sit here.”

Every single “Come on people you can do this! I know you can!!!” will be followed by a “I don’t want to do this and you cannot make me.”

Everytime you take your eyes off them, they will be gone. The entire campsite becomes their playground. The entire camp becomes a huge hide-and-seek game for them. And then you walk around and you’ll find warm cigarette butts. You enter the toilets and you can smell smoke. No matter how many warnings, police threats or punishments you give them, it doesn’t work. Even knowing that under the Guidance Programme, if they smoke, they will be breached and be sent to a boys’ or girls’ home. If this doesn’t deter them, I guess nothing much will.

On the second night, I was so so absolutely tired and so many things were going wrong. The final straw was when I get to see how some of the youths treated their parents. Like sworn enemies. Like pieces of dirt that do not deserve their eye contact. And I saw the hurt in the parents eyes. More than hurt, I saw shame. These parents have absolutely no control over their children.  It goes against all my values. How can they ever treat their parents like that??! I couldn’t take it any longer so I had to break away from the group and just broke down.

As incorrigible as they may sound, if you break them away from the group, you’ll realise that they are just kids. So vulnerable. So uncertain about their future. They may act big and tough in front of the others, but really deep down, they’re just scared kids.

If you ask me, I will have so many stories to tell you about them. But I’m so glad that I managed to get through to some of them.  To make them realise the significance of being in this programme. To embrace the second chance that is given to them.

“Miss Nasirah, I know I must change. But I’m so scared to take the first step. Actually I don’t even know how to begin. But I know if I continue like this, I might as well die. I think I need help.”

 Realising this alone is a huge deal for him. To confess is another milestone. To open up and ask for help where it’s due is commendable and I’m so proud of him.

Getting some of these youths to open up is an achievement in itself. Even though I can’t really help them and I’m sure they know I have absolutely no power to change their lives, it’s nice to know that they feel comfortable enough to share their problems. And their stories. Some of them committed the crimes because they had to. While most did it out of peer pressure or temptations, there are some who did it out of necessity.

The more I get to know them and the more I hear their stories, the more it reaffirms my belief.

That we all deserve a second chance.

No matter how tired I was, no matter how many times they challenged me…

No matter how many times they acted against my values and no matter how many times I broke down,

at the end when they came up to me to say thank you, it was all worth it.

This job may suck you dry and drain you in every possible way but it’s undoubtedly and unquestionably, rewarding.

I bet all my friends know that already. Hahah. Doesn’t matter what it is, I just have to spend. It’s an infirmity I desperately need to cure. For I have not enough money to eat recently. So I’m now making a public plea. Family and friends, if I’m out with any of you, please try to appeal to my better senses so that I can find enough strength in me to abstain myself from buying anything that I don’t really need. GOAL NO. 1 ESTABLISHED. While we’re on the suject of goals, also remind self to overcome fear of blood by continuing to watch gory movies and smelling that rusty nail in my bag. GOAL NO. 2 ESTABLISHED.

Stupid goals aside, let me share with you the event that became the turning point towards what I hope will be a  fuller-bank-account life.

3 months ago, when I shopped at DMK, I remembered the saleswoman telling me that I can become a member if I spent a certain amount in 3 months. But of course, I forgot about it the moment I stepped out of the  store. Because for one, that’s quite an insane goal to achieve. Plus, you just bought a shiny new pair of shoes. Nothing else matters! But amazingly, I started keeping all my receipts subconsciously.

 Until yesterday when I had a feeling that I might have actually reached the required amount to be a member. I gave the salesperson a few crumpled pieces of receipt and asked her to help me add them up.  And true enough, I made it! I’ve become a member and I felt so so happy. It’s been a long while! Because you know…of all the unecessary stress that “somebody” is causing me at work (and so, me buying shoes is totally justifiable ok!)

But as always, my happiness was shortlived. Because my sister had to ask the salesperson how much those receipts totaled up to.

“WHAT??! That’s it Nas, no more shoes for you forever!!!”

“But I just got the membership card….”

So wasted! But I get what she means because when I went home, there was no space in my shoe cupboards anymore. So I had to resort to hiding them behind the bed. I’m so proud of my stash corner! You might wanna try this space-saving method too.

But if my father is to see this, then I will die! So, every morning after I wake up, I would conveniently cover them up with my comforter.

You might wanna try this deceiving method too!

In a bid to throw out all unnecessary stuffs that’s taking up way too much space, I was shocked to find out that I have so many eye products! And then I remembered the phase I went through just after Sem 1. Where I had eyebags that would make Gandalf ashamed. Where I would use all these products one after another in a clockwise manner.

But to no avail.

I used to have some sort of gunk constantly under my eyes such that it drove my tutee to ask why water vapour seems to condense more on that area. Hahah. I jokingly told my dad I want to surgically remove them. Surprisingly, he said ok! But then, he just had to continue and say the one thing that never fails to kill my spirit. The one thing that has foiled so many of my elaborate plans before.

“YOU PAY YOURSELF OK.”

Then my mum poked her head in and gave her 2 cents worth. And really, not a single cent more.  

“Haiyah, why don’t you just sleep?!!”

Oh, now she gets all practical!

When just 2 weeks ago, she was still waiting for me to invite Jason Mraz over for dinner. -_-

The best part is that it’s never too late to start collecting such memories and it will never be. AND I’M GOING TO START NOW!

Because I’ve spent the last 20 years or so living up to expectations that I knew were pretty unreachable in the first place. It’s pretty darn tiring and I’m sick of it.

I went to a primary school where the standards were so high it’s unhealthy. Primary 3 and I already had gastric problems because I couldn’t sleep or eat well. Why? Because I was constantly worried about school. Don’t worry, it’s not just me. And then I went to a secondary school where there are so many scholars that I shuddered each time the teacher mentioned “bell curve”. Where the most memorable public caning was because the “perpetrator” used a calculator to hit a girl’s head. Where theft was relatively quite uncommon and even if there are, the thief would get caught because he got stuck in the windows while trying to break into a classroom.

And then I went to a JC where if you don’t mug, you’re a loser. If you don’t study for 10 hours a day, then you’re the minority. Where the principal actually held meetings with each class and interrogated each one of us regarding the no. of hours we spent studying each day. And where faintings, retching noises, vomitting and having fits are common especially during the Alevel periods. 

And then there’s my family. It’s bad enough to have a smart sister where I spent my entire life just trying to be on par with her because my mother told me that I must. Only PSLE and she already set the bar high. And then there’s the extended family. A cousin who spent the earlier parts of her life giving me piano lessons to earn extra pocket money and who is now an actress and a host and a successful businesswoman. Twin cousins who are both doctors, uncles and aunts who are HODs and lawyers and then my close friends who are in business, accountancy, law and medicine.  Don’t get me wrong. I’m SO happy and proud of them but it’ll be nice if people would just stop comparing.

Every family gathering or Hari Raya would be about the same thing.

“Nas, you’re in NUS now right? Taking…?”

“Arts.”

“What?? Your sis is a chem and maths teacher. Your dad’s a physicist. And you’re in Arts?”

“YUP! And I couldn’t be happier.”

And it’s true.

To all my friends who are still down by their exam results, I know how you feel. Not living up to other people’s expectation feels like crap. But not performing up to your own expectations is much worse! You crashed and you burned but the key is to stay resilient. I believe the human spirit is at least that tenacious. Its inevitable but sometimes I think its best to lower the standard for yourself all the same. Lest you’re prepared to feel bad for the rest of your life.

Maybe it helps to not take things so seriously. Like how I keep telling myself exams are so stupid in the first place. It totally takes the joy out of learning, don’t you think so?

And once I saw the lighter, brighter side of life, I realised I would never want to go back. And I hope I’ll never will. Because you’ll find that you feel much….lighter. And you’ll find it’s easier to JUST DANCE.

GONNA BE OKAY.

Don’t ever get caught up in other people’s expectations of you.

An absolutely insane resolution to live by.

Live high. Live mighty. Live righteously.

Picture credits to Azy.

Errr.. Legs credits to ermmmm…. Nad.

IS SEEING

 A SUNSET

AND KNOWING,

IMMEDIATELY,

WHOM TO THANK.